Ironman - 178 days... and the power of Vitagrow

Hurt.
I haven't written in a while because it feels like most things in my life went to hell in a handbasket, and all this in a 10 day span.
Especially workouts. We did some chrono's a few weeks ago. I am actually slower than last year, across all disciplines. And then the tiredness. Ten minutes into warm-up and I am exhausted. Every stroke of the workout after that is a chore. My sciatic nerve injury is fixed, yet I can't run more than 10 minutes and then I feel totally drained. And there is no way to bike... we have two young guests from Toulouse staying in our loft - and even I am not cruel enough to wake them up at 5h30 am with a noisy indoor bike.
This too shall pass? Things get worse after that. A comment at work makes me question my value to the organization. A lover's spat degenerates in a major way. Two kids with a head full of lice - and a Sunday spent doing loads of laundry and painfully going through millions of hair strands. Not all is bad! There is some fun stuff....We did plan a ski day... and the day itself had a lovely temperature of -25 degrees celcius at the foot of the mountain.

Small irritants of life, no doubt... but they all piled up until it felt like the glass half full cup would runneth over.
And through it all, the only urge I have is to write. To write every hurt, every irritation, to acknowledge it so that it can take its space and then disappear.

Children are fragile. I am realizing this now, as an adult. I see all of the flaws I am left to reckon with because of irresponsible adults who crossed my path as a child. I finally realized this week where my drive to achieve came from... and its not from a good place. As a little girl, I thought that if did something good, which impressed the adults, then I would be loved. But hardly anything I did was ever good enough. I got the best grades; it went unacknowledged. I tried so hard! And I was told that I could have done better than I did; even when I tried my very best (as a reference, we're talking a 98% gpa in high school.. I fail to see why I needed to be compared to the 2% who did better. What's the point of that?)
The positive flipside of being an abused child is that if you survive it, if you choose not to be a victim, you become driven as an adult... to prove yourself, to validate your worth in the eyes of others. But the quest never ends, and it can be exhausting.

And this week, I feel broken as though I will never heal. I was pushed to the limits of my emotional maturity (which is most likely that of a fifteen year old- the year I left home). In a time of need, I reached out to a friend and expressed how important it was for me to feel loved, acknowledged, validated... and even though I clearly stated my needs (I never used to from fear of being rejected), I did not get the validation I so wanted.... And although that in of itself was painful, I did however learn a few truths about myself. When the pain subsides, I think I will be able to apply the learning from this experience to other things:

1) I am still capable of intense love (it wouldn't hurt this much if I was emotionally stunted!)
2) I can fast forward to the end of a story and see outcomes clearly before most people have started chapter 2. This means that I can analyze and foreshadow and once I have drawn conclusions, its hard for me not to get impatient that others haven't figured it out just as fast - and even though I may be wrong about the conclusion - once I have thought it, it's hard for my perception not to become reality. Its a catch 22.
3) So, sometimes even though I can clearly see the end of a story, its better not to push people to my conclusions and let them figure it out for themselves
4) I live intensely. Sometimes I get a good dose of Vitagrow (vital for me) from intense connections with other human beings. When the vitagrow gets taken away, I feel lost, empty, and lose my bearings. I need to learn once and for all to love myself so that I stop needing Vitagrow from others to feel alive. However that is easier said than done...If I loved myself would I put myself through an ironman training? Or am I doing this too, as a crazy way to feel acknowledged? So that somebody pats me on the back and says, Wow, you are special! You are the most special to me! And if I could finally learn to pat my own back, would I need to be doing this? All I know today is that even though I feel like curling up in a ball and crying instead of doing a work out, if I force myself to get started, I actually do feel better after it ends.
5) Rejection hurts. Its painful for someone to confirm to you that they don't indeed see you the way you thought they did. But there isn't much you can do about it, except find a way to internalize it, and when you are finally able to stop wanting to burst into tears every 10 seconds, grow from it, become stronger, let go of the pain, and move on.
6) What you focus on expands. The more you listen to sad songs, the more you focus on the hurt, the sadness, the what if's, the more you ache from loss. Working out is a good way to feel good about yourself and stop wallowing in self pity.
7) Sometimes when a point of no return is reached, trying to communicate makes the situation worse, not better. Better to retreat, and resume the conversation when it won't feel like the world will end if it doesn't get resolved.

No matter what hurt ails us, how dark we feel, how unable to breathe we become when our heart stops singing, the fact remains that when you have kids that need you, you put your needs aside, you get up, and you do what needs to get done. And you hope that when the sun next comes up, you feel a little bit better. And every day that you don't, you keep hoping for that to change, the next day. And you hope for the next source of Vitagrow to bless you someday soon.

Right now though, it doesn't feel like healing is anywhere around the corner. I have wondered the last few nights I went to sleep, if I would have the energy to get out of bed the next day. But I get up...because I have kids which I am responsible for. And because I hope that some day the Universe will send me the instruction manual for loving myself.
So I am throwing it out to the Universe. Please. With everything I throw out at you, throw me the instruction manual!!!