Finding the path to joy - what we resist persists

Paris in the spring. I just got back from a week in the city of lights, and I am headed to the airport again in a few hours, this time for the Southern USA. Spring is in the air. The days are getting longer, the weather getting warmer. Although I have gotten into the habit of marking the monthly anniversary of my emotional pain, something feels different this week. Last week, I had mysterious flash of grace: I was filled with peace, joy, and a love beyond comprehension. My circumstances hadn't changed, yet everything felt completely different. After some instropection, I realized, that like everyone, whenever something happens in my life that I don't want, I aim to push it away swiftly. This type of action can be physical, emotional, mental, or all three. I decided to stay connected to the pain past the initial response - and as such, I effectively decided to say NO to my reality. Those closest to me would say that this resistance lasted for a VERY long time. Today, the pain is gone. Why? Last week I stopped analyzing it, judging it, and I also stopped trying to control it. I lived with it, and funny enough, it disappeared. Overnight. I now feel at peace. Happy. Without the assistance of prescription medication. 'Whether conscious or not, resistance is always a choice. Resistance causes us to abandon our bodies, the present moment, and any chance of changing things for the better....Resistance is like stepping on a hose with all our might and commanding the water to flow. But if we can simply step off the hose and allow the water of our reactions to flow through us, we eventually arrive at a state of expansion. While on the surface this may seem passive, it's anything but. In an expanded state, we're freer, more creative, and better able to break through barriers. ' So now that the resistance is gone, here is what is left in my thoughts: Hope. It's the only thing that is stronger than fear, and its why I woke up today with a smile Health - mine first. That of those I love as well. Opportunities - who knew there were so many? Choices - the ability to decide - how precious is that? Plans - a special birthday trip with my girlfriends to the West Coast, among other very exciting plans. Love - so much, from so many precious, different sources Eyes - A new way to see the world, and all that it can offer Work - A job that stimulates me, and pays more than the bills Friends - to connect with and share the experiences along the way There is so much joy in my heart today, now that I have chosen to let go and enjoy the ride. Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Two-Questions-That-Could-Change-Your-Life/2#ixzz1sJXXpntv

The price of fear - and what it's worth

$10. That's the price of fear; at least that's what fear cost me in South Africa. I am North of Knysna, on South Africa's Garden route, in a very special place. The view from the lookout at the Bloukran's Bungee Jumping Bridge - the world's highest, is both scary and spectacular. To the left, in the far distance, two massive rocks give way to a small opening through which a glimpse of the ocean can be seen. Directly ahead, a cement bridge lays at least 750 meters long - in other words, a ten minute walk to cross. To my right, huge mountains covered with tall, lush, magestic pine trees as far as the eye can see. And 800 meters below, a tiny spec of a serpentine river, barely visible, leading to the ocean. The five brave kamikazes in our party of twenty paid the fee to jump up front. Once their weight had been indicated on their right arm with a Sharpee, and a harness strapped around their bodies, they were certified ok to jump. The distance from the bridge to the ground was frightening, but it was the weighing in that cemented by decision not to Bungee. I didn't want the impact of a week of fried calamari's and caipirinha's branded on my arm for the world to see. Thankfully, there was a compromise - I didn't have to pay to jump, and could purchase, for a small fee, a walk to the platform to watch the brave ones dive off the bridge. Our African guide gave us precise marching orders onto the bridge, and once on the platform - he looked at us gravely, as if our lives depended on following his instructions. We walked slowly and cautiously through the clouds on a man-made bridge of steel and rope. Above us, the sound of cars whizzing by. Below us, gigantic rocks in the distance, appearing no bigger than tiny specs of sand. One thousand babysteps later, we reach the giant cement platform equipped with ropes, rescuers, a TV and a DJ Booth. "Welcome to Bloukrans!" smiles a twenty year old broadly, his two gold front teeth flashing us. "Feel safe and secure among us....: his voice is drowned by the whistling wind. The five jumpers are excited, my husband among them. His hand is branded J5/74, and I wrongly assume he'll be the fifth to jump. They call his name first. My heart sinks into my chest as I wonder how many have perished jumping off this bridge before him. I don't want him to be the first to 'test' the equipment today! He looks serene as velcro weights are anchored to his calves, and various ropes and belts fitted to his body. "It's best not to look down", cautions the guide. "It's best not to wait. Do not hesitate. 5-4-3-2-1 and you jump Mister. ok?" "How do I jump?" He asks. "Stick your chest out. Spread your arms and jump forward, gracefully flying like an eagle soaring in the wind". Oh my God. I hug him tightly, wondering if this is the last time. The DJ hits play, and a booming African beat echoes on the platform, booming rythmically and competing with the hissing wind. The crowd starts clapping and dancing. 5-4-3-2-1! He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, opens them again, spreads his arms, and leaps gracefully, his body freefalling at 120 miles per hour for 10 seconds. He falls fast, for what feels like forever. Then the string tightens and he bounces upwards only to fall down again. Twice. Minutes later, he is hoisted back onto the platform, and freed from the ropes and velcro. I rush to hug him. "It felt peaceful", he tells me, his eyes glowing. "It felt like freedom; like bliss". One by one, the other four jumpers live their experience. Suddenly, Melanie, one of the observers who is as adamant as me about how crazy one must be to attempt this, decides to change her mind. When I ask her why, she simply tells me that it feels right, and that she views this as the opportunity to let go of some old baggage. As she gets weighed and harnessed in, I start thinking about some of the baggage I'd like to leave behind. My control issues, for one. My bad habit of always wanting to be in control of how things happen, and when they happen - just so I can protect myself from any surprises. Imagine if I could jump, and leave that behind! Sounds tempting! But, being me, I need guarantees, and need to understand precisely how the letting go of control will happen if I jump. Melanie just smiles and tells me just to choose it to be so. "That's all Darling", she says in her sign song voice. "Just choose to leave it behind and see what happens". It's crazy, I know. But with the music beating rythmically, the friends clapping, the husband glowing, and my lack of ability to see the ground below me, the whole idea feels risk free. "Fear is temporary, regret is forever", reads the advertisement above the DJ booth. The voice in my head reminds me that life is not a dress rehearsal, and that I won't be able to decide next week to jump of the tallest bridge in the world. The voice of reason, the one whose like a chicken who has only ever coveted two eggs, remind me it's a pointless risk to take - my two chickies still need their mother. The two voices banter back and forth, caught up in a fast and furious game of ping pong thoughts. How much will this cost? Will we have enough? What if I throw up my breakfast? Am I wearing the right clothes? Is my last will and testament up to date? Enough! I decide. I feel safe. It feels right. I want to - no, I need to leave control on this bridge. I am jumping. As the African kid fasten the velcro straps onto my calves, he repeats a few mantra's in broken english which sound to me like : "you are beautiful. You are the safest woman in the world". Or is he saying: "The weather is beautiful, you are the bravest woman in the world?". No matter, his voice is calm and soothing. A dozen thoughts cross my mind. Am I ready to leave control behind? Will it happen automatically? Can people see the numbers on my arm? Can they tell I've gained five pounds? What do I need to do to make sure I look elegant when I jump? Is someone filming this? How do I want to experience this moment? What do I need to do to shut up my thoughts? The two guides raise me up and help me hobble to the ledge, pushing me forward quickly. I can't look straight down, so I look straight ahead. "Focus", I tell myself." "Look Elegant, and leave control behind". 5-4-3-2-1...whoosh! I jump forward and swan dive head first at 120 miles per hour. "Oh my God", I think in the first second. And then my mind goes blank. I fall faster than my consciousness can register. I force myself to look straight down at the river getting nearer and wider. The tug at the end of the ten seconds is gentle. I bounce back up and fall down twice more, light as a feather swaying in the wind gently and gracefully. When the motion stops, it's so quiet around me that all I hear in the vast forest is the thumping of my heart. The sun is casting a golden glow over the ocean peering in the opening directly in front of me. Peace. Freedom. Bliss. "Hello down there!" says the voice of an angel. "How was your jump?" I raise two thumbs in the air, still face down, unable to talk. "My name is Jacques. I am coming to get you and hoist you back up to your friends". Midway up, Jacques turns me right side up and I hang on to his leg until we reach the platform. I am unhooked, photographed, and hugged by my new family of brave jumpers. When we skip accross the road bridge back to the mainland, it's time to pay up. "That will $110, says the guide. It's $100 if you pay before you jump, and $110 if you pay after. We take Cash, Visa, MasterCard and even American Express." I hand over my credit card without saying a word, On the bus back to the hotel, It dawns on me that the argument to pay more after the jump makes no rational sense to me. And how did they come up with $10? Just then, I also realize that I didn't argue with the guide, nor did I question. I smile to myself. The experience was worth every penny.

Finding my way in a wild new world

December 31st 2011 The year ends with a most wonderful gift: The publication of Martha Beck's new novel entitled: Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. It moved me to tears of hope. You may know Martha Beck as the author of the popular column Advice etc. in O Magazine. I have always felt a pull to Martha Beck's way of thinking. I once called her my guru (she didn't like). I have been reading her columns and her novels voraciously for years - her words, phrases and expressions feel like soothing balm on violent sunburns. She is the ultimate WayFinder to me -she leads the path to bettering oneself in a gentle and nurturing way. She is encouraging, thought provoking, and a wizard in translating concepts into pragmatic, actionable ideas. I quoted her extensively in my first attempt at a novel early this year - she writes splendiferously. I devoured her latest 300 page masterpiece in a few hours. It's a pragmatic guide to creating the life you want in a world where known structures are disappearing, clearing the space for a more caring, nurturing world – should we rise to the challenge. The book is compassionate and inspirational. It's revolutionary - it's the step I needed to leap, and try to fulfill my life's purpose in a non-traditional way. As you may recall if you read my blog regularly, I started the year feeling sorry for myself that some of the people I dearly love no longer have active relationships with me. Martha Beck (page 164) offers a new way of looking at it from a wordless oneness perspective. "For a moment, minuscule aspects of love can drift apart in the sea of love; it's like a dance." Isn't that a more soothing and accepting way of accepting loss? Eureka!!!! If you have no idea what the terms "wordlessness" and "oneness" mean, you'll catch on pretty quickly when you read the book and start doing the exercises. In 2011, Laurent and I fortuitously met Paul & Jaylee Balch, spiritual teachers who blessed us with the initial exploration of a different path. They introduced us to the Anastasia series, to the work of Carlos Castaneda, and to their own teachings. Reading Martha Beck's new book was like hearing many of their principles in ideas in language and thought accessible to anyone. Everywhere around me, the same messages from different sources!!!! It's made me excited to start 2012 by discovering my life's calling - though I know already it involves extensive writing, knowledge gathering, and sharing. It also involves some big goals and risk taking - the maximum doses of feel-good hormones are produced by the brain at the "edge of impossibility" - when we push ourselves out of our comfort zones. As you know, I am all about finding feel-good hormones; it's been my quest for the last 10 years via sports, pharmaceuticals, coaching, light therapy, feeding off the energy of others like a hungry vampire, green foods - whatever worked - temporarily. I have come to the conclusion that my body must not naturally produce as much serotonin as other people's. That's ok. But back to Martha's new jewel: what if my work could be play, and I could push myself to the edge of impossibility by playing the game I was meant to play? What if that permanently healed my soul and reduced my stress? It's so worth the experiment. I am feeling an URGENT need to connect with my true nature. Many of the attributes Ms. Beck defines as those of healers describe me to a tea. So you'll find me quoting her work for blogs to come... Her words are mesmerizing. For now, suffice it to say that I have found motive to being a successful storyteller. I have the means, and will create the opportunity. Furthermore, I have a vision: Like Martha Beck (no wonder I am so enthralled with her work), I want to "write hopeful thoughts" for other people who feel imprisoned by their circumstances, and write articles, books, blogs posts, ideas etc. to give them a sense of freedom. Wow! A life mission!!!! So, Goodbye 2011, Hello New Year, Hello New life lived in love, and without fear. I wish you all the possibility of living your best dreams, those who have forever softly whispered their desire to live in your hearts and subconscious mind.... free them, and free yourself. Thank you, Martha Beck.

Nature vs. Nurture

I capitulated. Succumbed to the easy lure of pharmaceutical relief. I had an overwhelming need to silence my brain for a few moments... to stop it from churning and rehashing and overthinking and analyzing and judging, and fearing the worst. So I went to get some help. Yet, instead of feeling relieved with my choice, I feel like I have failed. I know I only have to answer to myself, but still.... I am choosing to expose myself and I am writing about it so that perhaps I reach other people who have the same challenges as I do. Maybe so I can feel less alone. Maybe to feel more connected to humanity. Most likely to understand, to get some meaning from this experience. I had tried the natural options to get rid of my anxiety - the big five mentioned in all of the literature: 1) Get enough sleep 2) Eat well 3) Exercise 4) Avoid continuous stress 5) Expose yourself to natural light. I do all of those things, and yet the dark, scary thoughts crowd my brain without respite. I imagine the worse. I fear the best. I wonder what shoe will drop next, when, and how many toes will break. I know ATTITUDE is everything. Einstein wrote: "The single most important decision any of us will ever have to make is whether or not to believe that the universe is friendly." I am trying so hard, Einstein. If you only knew. I keep my chin up and a smile on my face, but deep down, I feel afraid, and sad, and I have no hope. Why? There are two schools of thoughts about why this could be. It goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate we all explored through our high school curriculum. Some say it's a chemical thing. My brain just doesn't produce as much serotonin as other peoples. Genetics. Nature. There are a number of people in my biological family (father's side) who suffer from mental illness. Perhaps the simple explanation is that I am just like them. But I think the negative thoughts are innate in everyone. They have been in our genetic makeup since humans appeared - the fight or flight mecanisms were alive and well when we had to hunt for food and find warm shelter and they are still alive today; it's just that the goals have changed. Or maybe it's nurture. Did I make the wrong choices? Am I living the wrong life for me? If I changed everything, would I be happier? I have been trying to make changes the nurture side of the equation for a few months, and the truth is, I am not feeling significantly better. So I have decided to try and impact my chemical composition. Take a stab at the nature side of the equation. Again. The doctor asked me: "If you were diabetic, would you hesitate to take insulin? If you had heart problems, wouldn't you take medication to treat your condition? What's different here? Why do you have such hesitation? Maybe you are the type of person who will need to be on a low dosage of this stuff for life." Ugh. If it's true that one out of five people are now medicated, what did we do before the pharmaceutical companies invented these pills? Were people mentally well before? Or just went sick and untreated? Could it be that the problem is not in our heads, but rather with the way our society is evolving? That we are spending too much time on materialistic, non emotionally fulfilling pursuits rather than focusing on what's truly important in life - the connections we make with other people? I really don't know. But one thing is for sure: as long as I am here, I will keep trying to search for answers. For now, my "crutches" provide the ability to balance, to step back, to think with a clear, unafraid, mind veiled from negative thoughts. And when you can't quiet your mind on your own, then maybe it's ok to rely on some help. Maybe.

Risk taking

Oftentimes the perception other people have of us is so very unlikehow we perceive ourselves. Take for example the reaction I got this week when I emailed my contacts the let them know I had self-published. “You never cease to amaze me!” or better still: “Yet another accomplishment under your belt!” or simply: “Unbelievable!” Little do contacts know. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I’ve been tippy toeing on a dangerous ledge for many moons. Paralyzed. I started to feel better this week. Truth is, I had pushed myself too far. Depleted my energy, and even the reserves. Burned myself out. To a crisp. But in the last seven days, I slept a lot. I took time off. I exercised moderately. I remembered to breathe long, deep, breaths. I expressed my feelings. I made mistakes, acknowledged them, and moved on. I performed a few random acts of kindness. But most importantly, I stopped doing long enough to ask myself where I was going. If you are lucky, life is supposed be a marathon. Not a sprint. If our thoughts are really at the origin of everything, and if our thoughts plant the seeds from which actions are born, than might as well give ourselves the chance to think constructively. For months now, I have put all of my thoughts into imagining my eventual demise as a human being should my career come to a screeching halt. And because I like to be right, I found countless examples to prove to myself that I would be doomed if I lost my job. But the truth is, as many examples exist to prove the contrary. We see what we want to see. Case in point: I ran into a friend at the park who had been a stay-at-home mom for a few years. She was looking forward to working again! She was ready, and hadn’t lost it all from staying home for a while. I had a frank conversation with a colleague who lost his teenage son in a tragic accident last year. He is brilliant, quite accomplished, and a high performer. He looked me straight in the eye and said: “At the end of the day, it’s just work Val, its just work.” I heard from a high school friend who hadn’t worked in seven years and had been home schooling his two daughters. He was happy, healthy, and no one was starving. Where am I going with this? Oh yes, the book. The truth is, I want to write. Period. Once upon a time I read an idea that claimed that successful people where successful because they take more risks and they fail more often. They learn from their mistakes, build on the knowledge, and try again. This idea resonated with me. That’s why I chose to self-publish. Not because I am “accomplished” or “unbelievable”. But rather because I choose to try, and maybe fail, or maybe not. At least I won’t live with regrets. Twenty people bought the book in the first 48 hours. Mostly family. But it’s a start! I hope there will be more. It isn’t a work of art. Every time I open it I want to change every sentence. But it’s my humble attempt at trying to live my best life. I hope it works. Here is the link to view and purchase the book. http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/virtually-yours/17977390?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1 Should you prefer e-book - here is the link: http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/virtually-yours/17353557

Decision Time

I am a day late. It's not the same time next week, as the title of my blog suggests. I pride myself on being consistent, but I wasn't this time, It's because it's decision time. There are two options: left, or right. Turn left, and jump into the void. Hope for the best. Decide on the attitude to adopt, keep it top of mind, and just jump. Turn right and stay in the familiar. With its lot of challenges, and opportunities to make mistakes. Never life threatening mistakes, but mistakes nevertheless. Turn right and deal with negativity, anger, discontent, personalities, – execute other people's decisions even if I disagree. Left feels risky in the current economic context; despite all of the safeguards put in place. Left feels like an unplanned change, with the risk of upsetting people who are trying to help. Right feels like a jail sentence – unless I am able to change the way I look at it. A long time ago, on the PBS kids channel, there was an add which portrayed blindfolded children reaching into a bowl of spaghetti and blurting out what they were touching. Worms! Snakes! Brains! Came the answers. And then the caption : "It's all how you look at it." So what matters most, is not whether I turn left or right, but what attitude I choose to adopt when I make the decision. And so perhaps going back to my values is the best way to make the decision. What are my values? 1) Connecting (Heart) - I need to create harmony. To have nurturing, enriching, and sustainable relationships. I need to connect with others through sharing powerful and enriching experiences. I need to love deeply, laugh, and feel joy, 2) Doing (Energy) - I am enthusiastic, positive, healthy, bubbly, hopeful, intense and I accomplish a great deal with a high level of energy. 3) Authenticity (Truth) - I am transparent, have good intentions, and can't lie 4) Justice (Fairness) - I don't tolerate unjust situations. Integrity is paramount 5) Recognition - I need to feel valued, appreciated, cared for, loved, and cherished 6) Learning - I need to learn from every experience - both in and out of my comfort zone So....left or right? Maybe a compromise is possible. For a short time. Until I am certain of what the right course of action should be. Until my brain is thinking clearly again with the right chemicals feeding the neurons and synapses who should connect to make the best decisions. It's a chicken shit decision - I am well aware of this....but it seems like the right one to explore today. Until next week....

When you are willing to lose it all...

When you have reached your limit, I mean really really reached the bottom of the pit, and you are so far down that you can't even see any light anywhere, that's when you get the ability to make life changing decisions. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", or so the saying goes. Einstein once defined insanity as: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So here I was, at the bottom of the pit of despair - feeling insane, for no apparent reason to the outside world, but for many good reasons inside my head. I could hold it together during the week just fine; my rational brain simply kicked in and I went to work and did what needed to get done for 12 hours or more. But then the weekend rolled around and tears streamed down my face for two straight solid days. During family meals, my kids would just stare at me, wondering why I was crying, yet looking so calm. "Don't worry", I told them, "it's probably a defective eye gland. I will get it fixed next week." I couldn't explain what was wrong and why it was wrong. I just cried until Morgen asked for rain boots. And then, after I cried every tear I had, I told myself things had to change. I didn't know what specifically, but based on my emotional state, I knew it had to be the big things. So I started with work, where I spend most of my waking hours, and what causes me the most sleepless nights as well. Work for me is sometimes a way to self-actualize, but mostly a conduit to express my responsible nature and one potential source of recognition. But rarely is that the case as a Vice President. Work is also what allows me to put food on the table and send my children to decent schools so that they may have a glowing future. But when Morgen blurts out comments like: "What's the point of it all? You are born, and then you die. What's the point of all the stuff in the middle?", I hope it's just teenager talk, and I wonder if my money wouldn't be better spent buying her a course about how to find joy in life. Or maybe the answer is even simpler: I need to start being a better example of Joy myself. Hard to do it my current state. Back to the work issue. As soon as I made the decision to quit my job, swallowed my pride, and told the world I really needed help, angels started coming to the rescue. They started to make me believe again in the concept of Paying it Forward. Are you familiar with it? It's an expression used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead. In sociology, this concept is called "generalized reciprocity" or "generalized exchange". I call it Karma. When you do good, it eventually comes back to you through various sources, and oftentimes not the sources you would expect. First, I was able to express my emotional state to MCD and JB, who took me seriously and got me help immediately. Then my friend CG and I went on an overnight trip. It reminded me of our youth at camp, and reminded me of what was most important in life. I got to talk it through with MCL, my coach and mentor. Her kindness and empathy made me cry some more. My mom and my siblings offered much needed emotional support through conversations, which helped reduce the fear of the unknown. Then LG told me he would do what it takes, for as long as it takes, to take the money fear off the table for me. And finally I went in to see my boss, and he helped me find a better solution than the one I was considering - one with more balance, both for me, and for the Company. It's a short term fix for now, but it's worth exploring. The knight in shining armor I was expecting never showed up, but dozens of different angels disguised as mere mortals, showed kindness and empathy. So here I am, still, on an Indian summer Saturday morning, drinking a wonderful coffee in a peaceful home, surrounded by people who love me. I feel more calm and serene than I have in months. I still have many big changes to make - and I will tackle them one at a time. "What did this experience teach you?", my mentor MCL asked, after the storm had passed. "It taught me that when I finally got the courage to ask for help, the people around me jumped at the chance. It taught me that the world can be a safe and friendly place. All I have to do is believe it is. When you change the lenses through which you see the world, then the world changes".