When you are willing to lose it all...

When you have reached your limit, I mean really really reached the bottom of the pit, and you are so far down that you can't even see any light anywhere, that's when you get the ability to make life changing decisions. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", or so the saying goes. Einstein once defined insanity as: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So here I was, at the bottom of the pit of despair - feeling insane, for no apparent reason to the outside world, but for many good reasons inside my head. I could hold it together during the week just fine; my rational brain simply kicked in and I went to work and did what needed to get done for 12 hours or more. But then the weekend rolled around and tears streamed down my face for two straight solid days. During family meals, my kids would just stare at me, wondering why I was crying, yet looking so calm. "Don't worry", I told them, "it's probably a defective eye gland. I will get it fixed next week." I couldn't explain what was wrong and why it was wrong. I just cried until Morgen asked for rain boots. And then, after I cried every tear I had, I told myself things had to change. I didn't know what specifically, but based on my emotional state, I knew it had to be the big things. So I started with work, where I spend most of my waking hours, and what causes me the most sleepless nights as well. Work for me is sometimes a way to self-actualize, but mostly a conduit to express my responsible nature and one potential source of recognition. But rarely is that the case as a Vice President. Work is also what allows me to put food on the table and send my children to decent schools so that they may have a glowing future. But when Morgen blurts out comments like: "What's the point of it all? You are born, and then you die. What's the point of all the stuff in the middle?", I hope it's just teenager talk, and I wonder if my money wouldn't be better spent buying her a course about how to find joy in life. Or maybe the answer is even simpler: I need to start being a better example of Joy myself. Hard to do it my current state. Back to the work issue. As soon as I made the decision to quit my job, swallowed my pride, and told the world I really needed help, angels started coming to the rescue. They started to make me believe again in the concept of Paying it Forward. Are you familiar with it? It's an expression used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead. In sociology, this concept is called "generalized reciprocity" or "generalized exchange". I call it Karma. When you do good, it eventually comes back to you through various sources, and oftentimes not the sources you would expect. First, I was able to express my emotional state to MCD and JB, who took me seriously and got me help immediately. Then my friend CG and I went on an overnight trip. It reminded me of our youth at camp, and reminded me of what was most important in life. I got to talk it through with MCL, my coach and mentor. Her kindness and empathy made me cry some more. My mom and my siblings offered much needed emotional support through conversations, which helped reduce the fear of the unknown. Then LG told me he would do what it takes, for as long as it takes, to take the money fear off the table for me. And finally I went in to see my boss, and he helped me find a better solution than the one I was considering - one with more balance, both for me, and for the Company. It's a short term fix for now, but it's worth exploring. The knight in shining armor I was expecting never showed up, but dozens of different angels disguised as mere mortals, showed kindness and empathy. So here I am, still, on an Indian summer Saturday morning, drinking a wonderful coffee in a peaceful home, surrounded by people who love me. I feel more calm and serene than I have in months. I still have many big changes to make - and I will tackle them one at a time. "What did this experience teach you?", my mentor MCL asked, after the storm had passed. "It taught me that when I finally got the courage to ask for help, the people around me jumped at the chance. It taught me that the world can be a safe and friendly place. All I have to do is believe it is. When you change the lenses through which you see the world, then the world changes".