Anatomy of a mental breakdown

It's Saturday morning and I have spent the last few hours cleaning out my work inbox. To be concrete, this means re-reading and filing over 500 emails to ensure I can find them again if necessary some day. During this process, our affection-starved cat kept trying to climb onto the keyboard (I never wanted a cat, I would have preferred a dog - I have time for neither). I felt sorry for him, and guilty as well, but after 7 minutes of purring and climbing, I ended up locking him in my daughter's room so I could process faster and be more efficient. I also paid bills online, cleaned the kitchen, created grocery list, drank two cups of coffee and wondered what I could do for fun; it is the weekend after all. I did all this during the in-between times, the moments where I lost the internet connection for some unknown reason, and prayed silently that it would magically return without me having to attempt to plug and replug wires with no actual clue as to what to do to fix the problem. I prayed to the Gods of electronic to help me out one more time, telling them that I would never again complain about technology if they came through. In order to get all of this done efficiently, I plugged my son in front of the TV for a few hours, feeling guilty every second. Saturday stretches out before me, a blank electronic calendar page with 30 minute time slots to fill. I start by entering the Must-Do's in the calendar, estimating how much time each will take : buy groceries for the week, process 5 loads of laundry, pick up teenage daughter from sleepover 45 miles away, drive seven-year old son to swimming lessons, drive teenage daughter to swimming lessons, drive son to soccer practice, prepare training session for Monday, purchase socks for both children, call TV repairman, answer 35 outstanding emails from yesterday. I also add fun things to the list for balance: catch up on Facebook posts, workout, read book, practice guitar before next class. These last four activities are supposed to be relaxing - they are color coded "Leisure" in the calendar. Yet they feel like obligations; like tasks to cross off the TO DO list. And I know that even if I get through this entire list, there will be more tasks to add for tomorrow. Unforeseen things, unplanned things, things I don't have time for. It dawns on me that I no longer derive any pleasure from getting through the list. The phone rings. It's a very good friend I haven't talked to in months, who simply wants to catch up. I get annoyed - talking to her will get me off schedule. Quick, quick, I try to get off the phone - there is laundry to fold - but wait! Maybe I can maximize and do two things at once; talk to her and fold! My sons boxers will end up in my daughter's closet if I am unfocused, but who cares? That's not a crime, is it? The girlfriend tells me I sound rushed, and that I seem to have lost my sense of humor. "What's wrong?", she asks. I want to tell her that if I keep going at this pace, the next time she will see me will be in a coffin at a funeral home. But I don't. I shut up. Who am I to complain? It's a rat race afterall, and I am one of the fortunate ones. One of the lucky employed people who have a career, and bring home the bacon, and make enough money to feed her children healthy food day after day. The cold canadian winter will soon be upon us, but my kids will be warm in a heated home because I go to work every day, and get through the evergrowing to do list. "When's the last time you went on vacation?", my friend asks. Vaca what? I ignore the question and ask her what's new in her life. She's in love. She's on cloud nine. It has transformed her whole outlook on life. I remember that feeling - the feeling of being the most important person in someone else's eyes. Having the possibility to share your fears and frustrations and hopes and dreams with a person who thinks they matter. Who thinks you matter. Feeling the same in return. Making plans....and most importantly, giving you the ability of putting the ever growing TODO list in perspective. Would that change everything? For the moment, the ever growing TODO list keeps growing. If I get through it today, I will give myself a Gold Star. And maybe tomorrow I will have the courage to simply stop. Before it's too late. I can feel it, it's almost too late for me - I didn't stop in time. I can feel it in my bones, in my entire being. I need help. I need to no longer be a Type -A. Maybe if I write it down, if I admit it, I will find the courage to shut off the blackberry permanently. Not answer any more emails. Let my kids make their own meals. Ask for help. Stop trying to do more. Crawl under my covers and sleep for 15 consecutive days until I am rested enough to see the world through a different lense. Hope that there are still good things coming my way. Explore the world through a different set of eyes - figure out what I really enjoy doing. Believe that if I just let go, the Universe will provide a safety net. It's going to take a major leap of faith. The internet connection just came back. The Gods of the Electronic came through. I get to keep going, keep doing, doing, doing. I let the miauling cat out of my daughter's room. He has defecated in her bed. I have time for a sixth load of laundry if I remove one of the leisure activities. Doing, doing, done.