Finding my way in a wild new world

December 31st 2011 The year ends with a most wonderful gift: The publication of Martha Beck's new novel entitled: Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. It moved me to tears of hope. You may know Martha Beck as the author of the popular column Advice etc. in O Magazine. I have always felt a pull to Martha Beck's way of thinking. I once called her my guru (she didn't like). I have been reading her columns and her novels voraciously for years - her words, phrases and expressions feel like soothing balm on violent sunburns. She is the ultimate WayFinder to me -she leads the path to bettering oneself in a gentle and nurturing way. She is encouraging, thought provoking, and a wizard in translating concepts into pragmatic, actionable ideas. I quoted her extensively in my first attempt at a novel early this year - she writes splendiferously. I devoured her latest 300 page masterpiece in a few hours. It's a pragmatic guide to creating the life you want in a world where known structures are disappearing, clearing the space for a more caring, nurturing world – should we rise to the challenge. The book is compassionate and inspirational. It's revolutionary - it's the step I needed to leap, and try to fulfill my life's purpose in a non-traditional way. As you may recall if you read my blog regularly, I started the year feeling sorry for myself that some of the people I dearly love no longer have active relationships with me. Martha Beck (page 164) offers a new way of looking at it from a wordless oneness perspective. "For a moment, minuscule aspects of love can drift apart in the sea of love; it's like a dance." Isn't that a more soothing and accepting way of accepting loss? Eureka!!!! If you have no idea what the terms "wordlessness" and "oneness" mean, you'll catch on pretty quickly when you read the book and start doing the exercises. In 2011, Laurent and I fortuitously met Paul & Jaylee Balch, spiritual teachers who blessed us with the initial exploration of a different path. They introduced us to the Anastasia series, to the work of Carlos Castaneda, and to their own teachings. Reading Martha Beck's new book was like hearing many of their principles in ideas in language and thought accessible to anyone. Everywhere around me, the same messages from different sources!!!! It's made me excited to start 2012 by discovering my life's calling - though I know already it involves extensive writing, knowledge gathering, and sharing. It also involves some big goals and risk taking - the maximum doses of feel-good hormones are produced by the brain at the "edge of impossibility" - when we push ourselves out of our comfort zones. As you know, I am all about finding feel-good hormones; it's been my quest for the last 10 years via sports, pharmaceuticals, coaching, light therapy, feeding off the energy of others like a hungry vampire, green foods - whatever worked - temporarily. I have come to the conclusion that my body must not naturally produce as much serotonin as other people's. That's ok. But back to Martha's new jewel: what if my work could be play, and I could push myself to the edge of impossibility by playing the game I was meant to play? What if that permanently healed my soul and reduced my stress? It's so worth the experiment. I am feeling an URGENT need to connect with my true nature. Many of the attributes Ms. Beck defines as those of healers describe me to a tea. So you'll find me quoting her work for blogs to come... Her words are mesmerizing. For now, suffice it to say that I have found motive to being a successful storyteller. I have the means, and will create the opportunity. Furthermore, I have a vision: Like Martha Beck (no wonder I am so enthralled with her work), I want to "write hopeful thoughts" for other people who feel imprisoned by their circumstances, and write articles, books, blogs posts, ideas etc. to give them a sense of freedom. Wow! A life mission!!!! So, Goodbye 2011, Hello New Year, Hello New life lived in love, and without fear. I wish you all the possibility of living your best dreams, those who have forever softly whispered their desire to live in your hearts and subconscious mind.... free them, and free yourself. Thank you, Martha Beck.

Nature vs. Nurture

I capitulated. Succumbed to the easy lure of pharmaceutical relief. I had an overwhelming need to silence my brain for a few moments... to stop it from churning and rehashing and overthinking and analyzing and judging, and fearing the worst. So I went to get some help. Yet, instead of feeling relieved with my choice, I feel like I have failed. I know I only have to answer to myself, but still.... I am choosing to expose myself and I am writing about it so that perhaps I reach other people who have the same challenges as I do. Maybe so I can feel less alone. Maybe to feel more connected to humanity. Most likely to understand, to get some meaning from this experience. I had tried the natural options to get rid of my anxiety - the big five mentioned in all of the literature: 1) Get enough sleep 2) Eat well 3) Exercise 4) Avoid continuous stress 5) Expose yourself to natural light. I do all of those things, and yet the dark, scary thoughts crowd my brain without respite. I imagine the worse. I fear the best. I wonder what shoe will drop next, when, and how many toes will break. I know ATTITUDE is everything. Einstein wrote: "The single most important decision any of us will ever have to make is whether or not to believe that the universe is friendly." I am trying so hard, Einstein. If you only knew. I keep my chin up and a smile on my face, but deep down, I feel afraid, and sad, and I have no hope. Why? There are two schools of thoughts about why this could be. It goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate we all explored through our high school curriculum. Some say it's a chemical thing. My brain just doesn't produce as much serotonin as other peoples. Genetics. Nature. There are a number of people in my biological family (father's side) who suffer from mental illness. Perhaps the simple explanation is that I am just like them. But I think the negative thoughts are innate in everyone. They have been in our genetic makeup since humans appeared - the fight or flight mecanisms were alive and well when we had to hunt for food and find warm shelter and they are still alive today; it's just that the goals have changed. Or maybe it's nurture. Did I make the wrong choices? Am I living the wrong life for me? If I changed everything, would I be happier? I have been trying to make changes the nurture side of the equation for a few months, and the truth is, I am not feeling significantly better. So I have decided to try and impact my chemical composition. Take a stab at the nature side of the equation. Again. The doctor asked me: "If you were diabetic, would you hesitate to take insulin? If you had heart problems, wouldn't you take medication to treat your condition? What's different here? Why do you have such hesitation? Maybe you are the type of person who will need to be on a low dosage of this stuff for life." Ugh. If it's true that one out of five people are now medicated, what did we do before the pharmaceutical companies invented these pills? Were people mentally well before? Or just went sick and untreated? Could it be that the problem is not in our heads, but rather with the way our society is evolving? That we are spending too much time on materialistic, non emotionally fulfilling pursuits rather than focusing on what's truly important in life - the connections we make with other people? I really don't know. But one thing is for sure: as long as I am here, I will keep trying to search for answers. For now, my "crutches" provide the ability to balance, to step back, to think with a clear, unafraid, mind veiled from negative thoughts. And when you can't quiet your mind on your own, then maybe it's ok to rely on some help. Maybe.

Risk taking

Oftentimes the perception other people have of us is so very unlikehow we perceive ourselves. Take for example the reaction I got this week when I emailed my contacts the let them know I had self-published. “You never cease to amaze me!” or better still: “Yet another accomplishment under your belt!” or simply: “Unbelievable!” Little do contacts know. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I’ve been tippy toeing on a dangerous ledge for many moons. Paralyzed. I started to feel better this week. Truth is, I had pushed myself too far. Depleted my energy, and even the reserves. Burned myself out. To a crisp. But in the last seven days, I slept a lot. I took time off. I exercised moderately. I remembered to breathe long, deep, breaths. I expressed my feelings. I made mistakes, acknowledged them, and moved on. I performed a few random acts of kindness. But most importantly, I stopped doing long enough to ask myself where I was going. If you are lucky, life is supposed be a marathon. Not a sprint. If our thoughts are really at the origin of everything, and if our thoughts plant the seeds from which actions are born, than might as well give ourselves the chance to think constructively. For months now, I have put all of my thoughts into imagining my eventual demise as a human being should my career come to a screeching halt. And because I like to be right, I found countless examples to prove to myself that I would be doomed if I lost my job. But the truth is, as many examples exist to prove the contrary. We see what we want to see. Case in point: I ran into a friend at the park who had been a stay-at-home mom for a few years. She was looking forward to working again! She was ready, and hadn’t lost it all from staying home for a while. I had a frank conversation with a colleague who lost his teenage son in a tragic accident last year. He is brilliant, quite accomplished, and a high performer. He looked me straight in the eye and said: “At the end of the day, it’s just work Val, its just work.” I heard from a high school friend who hadn’t worked in seven years and had been home schooling his two daughters. He was happy, healthy, and no one was starving. Where am I going with this? Oh yes, the book. The truth is, I want to write. Period. Once upon a time I read an idea that claimed that successful people where successful because they take more risks and they fail more often. They learn from their mistakes, build on the knowledge, and try again. This idea resonated with me. That’s why I chose to self-publish. Not because I am “accomplished” or “unbelievable”. But rather because I choose to try, and maybe fail, or maybe not. At least I won’t live with regrets. Twenty people bought the book in the first 48 hours. Mostly family. But it’s a start! I hope there will be more. It isn’t a work of art. Every time I open it I want to change every sentence. But it’s my humble attempt at trying to live my best life. I hope it works. Here is the link to view and purchase the book. http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/virtually-yours/17977390?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1 Should you prefer e-book - here is the link: http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/virtually-yours/17353557

Decision Time

I am a day late. It's not the same time next week, as the title of my blog suggests. I pride myself on being consistent, but I wasn't this time, It's because it's decision time. There are two options: left, or right. Turn left, and jump into the void. Hope for the best. Decide on the attitude to adopt, keep it top of mind, and just jump. Turn right and stay in the familiar. With its lot of challenges, and opportunities to make mistakes. Never life threatening mistakes, but mistakes nevertheless. Turn right and deal with negativity, anger, discontent, personalities, – execute other people's decisions even if I disagree. Left feels risky in the current economic context; despite all of the safeguards put in place. Left feels like an unplanned change, with the risk of upsetting people who are trying to help. Right feels like a jail sentence – unless I am able to change the way I look at it. A long time ago, on the PBS kids channel, there was an add which portrayed blindfolded children reaching into a bowl of spaghetti and blurting out what they were touching. Worms! Snakes! Brains! Came the answers. And then the caption : "It's all how you look at it." So what matters most, is not whether I turn left or right, but what attitude I choose to adopt when I make the decision. And so perhaps going back to my values is the best way to make the decision. What are my values? 1) Connecting (Heart) - I need to create harmony. To have nurturing, enriching, and sustainable relationships. I need to connect with others through sharing powerful and enriching experiences. I need to love deeply, laugh, and feel joy, 2) Doing (Energy) - I am enthusiastic, positive, healthy, bubbly, hopeful, intense and I accomplish a great deal with a high level of energy. 3) Authenticity (Truth) - I am transparent, have good intentions, and can't lie 4) Justice (Fairness) - I don't tolerate unjust situations. Integrity is paramount 5) Recognition - I need to feel valued, appreciated, cared for, loved, and cherished 6) Learning - I need to learn from every experience - both in and out of my comfort zone So....left or right? Maybe a compromise is possible. For a short time. Until I am certain of what the right course of action should be. Until my brain is thinking clearly again with the right chemicals feeding the neurons and synapses who should connect to make the best decisions. It's a chicken shit decision - I am well aware of this....but it seems like the right one to explore today. Until next week....

When you are willing to lose it all...

When you have reached your limit, I mean really really reached the bottom of the pit, and you are so far down that you can't even see any light anywhere, that's when you get the ability to make life changing decisions. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", or so the saying goes. Einstein once defined insanity as: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So here I was, at the bottom of the pit of despair - feeling insane, for no apparent reason to the outside world, but for many good reasons inside my head. I could hold it together during the week just fine; my rational brain simply kicked in and I went to work and did what needed to get done for 12 hours or more. But then the weekend rolled around and tears streamed down my face for two straight solid days. During family meals, my kids would just stare at me, wondering why I was crying, yet looking so calm. "Don't worry", I told them, "it's probably a defective eye gland. I will get it fixed next week." I couldn't explain what was wrong and why it was wrong. I just cried until Morgen asked for rain boots. And then, after I cried every tear I had, I told myself things had to change. I didn't know what specifically, but based on my emotional state, I knew it had to be the big things. So I started with work, where I spend most of my waking hours, and what causes me the most sleepless nights as well. Work for me is sometimes a way to self-actualize, but mostly a conduit to express my responsible nature and one potential source of recognition. But rarely is that the case as a Vice President. Work is also what allows me to put food on the table and send my children to decent schools so that they may have a glowing future. But when Morgen blurts out comments like: "What's the point of it all? You are born, and then you die. What's the point of all the stuff in the middle?", I hope it's just teenager talk, and I wonder if my money wouldn't be better spent buying her a course about how to find joy in life. Or maybe the answer is even simpler: I need to start being a better example of Joy myself. Hard to do it my current state. Back to the work issue. As soon as I made the decision to quit my job, swallowed my pride, and told the world I really needed help, angels started coming to the rescue. They started to make me believe again in the concept of Paying it Forward. Are you familiar with it? It's an expression used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead. In sociology, this concept is called "generalized reciprocity" or "generalized exchange". I call it Karma. When you do good, it eventually comes back to you through various sources, and oftentimes not the sources you would expect. First, I was able to express my emotional state to MCD and JB, who took me seriously and got me help immediately. Then my friend CG and I went on an overnight trip. It reminded me of our youth at camp, and reminded me of what was most important in life. I got to talk it through with MCL, my coach and mentor. Her kindness and empathy made me cry some more. My mom and my siblings offered much needed emotional support through conversations, which helped reduce the fear of the unknown. Then LG told me he would do what it takes, for as long as it takes, to take the money fear off the table for me. And finally I went in to see my boss, and he helped me find a better solution than the one I was considering - one with more balance, both for me, and for the Company. It's a short term fix for now, but it's worth exploring. The knight in shining armor I was expecting never showed up, but dozens of different angels disguised as mere mortals, showed kindness and empathy. So here I am, still, on an Indian summer Saturday morning, drinking a wonderful coffee in a peaceful home, surrounded by people who love me. I feel more calm and serene than I have in months. I still have many big changes to make - and I will tackle them one at a time. "What did this experience teach you?", my mentor MCL asked, after the storm had passed. "It taught me that when I finally got the courage to ask for help, the people around me jumped at the chance. It taught me that the world can be a safe and friendly place. All I have to do is believe it is. When you change the lenses through which you see the world, then the world changes".

Anatomy of a mental breakdown

It's Saturday morning and I have spent the last few hours cleaning out my work inbox. To be concrete, this means re-reading and filing over 500 emails to ensure I can find them again if necessary some day. During this process, our affection-starved cat kept trying to climb onto the keyboard (I never wanted a cat, I would have preferred a dog - I have time for neither). I felt sorry for him, and guilty as well, but after 7 minutes of purring and climbing, I ended up locking him in my daughter's room so I could process faster and be more efficient. I also paid bills online, cleaned the kitchen, created grocery list, drank two cups of coffee and wondered what I could do for fun; it is the weekend after all. I did all this during the in-between times, the moments where I lost the internet connection for some unknown reason, and prayed silently that it would magically return without me having to attempt to plug and replug wires with no actual clue as to what to do to fix the problem. I prayed to the Gods of electronic to help me out one more time, telling them that I would never again complain about technology if they came through. In order to get all of this done efficiently, I plugged my son in front of the TV for a few hours, feeling guilty every second. Saturday stretches out before me, a blank electronic calendar page with 30 minute time slots to fill. I start by entering the Must-Do's in the calendar, estimating how much time each will take : buy groceries for the week, process 5 loads of laundry, pick up teenage daughter from sleepover 45 miles away, drive seven-year old son to swimming lessons, drive teenage daughter to swimming lessons, drive son to soccer practice, prepare training session for Monday, purchase socks for both children, call TV repairman, answer 35 outstanding emails from yesterday. I also add fun things to the list for balance: catch up on Facebook posts, workout, read book, practice guitar before next class. These last four activities are supposed to be relaxing - they are color coded "Leisure" in the calendar. Yet they feel like obligations; like tasks to cross off the TO DO list. And I know that even if I get through this entire list, there will be more tasks to add for tomorrow. Unforeseen things, unplanned things, things I don't have time for. It dawns on me that I no longer derive any pleasure from getting through the list. The phone rings. It's a very good friend I haven't talked to in months, who simply wants to catch up. I get annoyed - talking to her will get me off schedule. Quick, quick, I try to get off the phone - there is laundry to fold - but wait! Maybe I can maximize and do two things at once; talk to her and fold! My sons boxers will end up in my daughter's closet if I am unfocused, but who cares? That's not a crime, is it? The girlfriend tells me I sound rushed, and that I seem to have lost my sense of humor. "What's wrong?", she asks. I want to tell her that if I keep going at this pace, the next time she will see me will be in a coffin at a funeral home. But I don't. I shut up. Who am I to complain? It's a rat race afterall, and I am one of the fortunate ones. One of the lucky employed people who have a career, and bring home the bacon, and make enough money to feed her children healthy food day after day. The cold canadian winter will soon be upon us, but my kids will be warm in a heated home because I go to work every day, and get through the evergrowing to do list. "When's the last time you went on vacation?", my friend asks. Vaca what? I ignore the question and ask her what's new in her life. She's in love. She's on cloud nine. It has transformed her whole outlook on life. I remember that feeling - the feeling of being the most important person in someone else's eyes. Having the possibility to share your fears and frustrations and hopes and dreams with a person who thinks they matter. Who thinks you matter. Feeling the same in return. Making plans....and most importantly, giving you the ability of putting the ever growing TODO list in perspective. Would that change everything? For the moment, the ever growing TODO list keeps growing. If I get through it today, I will give myself a Gold Star. And maybe tomorrow I will have the courage to simply stop. Before it's too late. I can feel it, it's almost too late for me - I didn't stop in time. I can feel it in my bones, in my entire being. I need help. I need to no longer be a Type -A. Maybe if I write it down, if I admit it, I will find the courage to shut off the blackberry permanently. Not answer any more emails. Let my kids make their own meals. Ask for help. Stop trying to do more. Crawl under my covers and sleep for 15 consecutive days until I am rested enough to see the world through a different lense. Hope that there are still good things coming my way. Explore the world through a different set of eyes - figure out what I really enjoy doing. Believe that if I just let go, the Universe will provide a safety net. It's going to take a major leap of faith. The internet connection just came back. The Gods of the Electronic came through. I get to keep going, keep doing, doing, doing. I let the miauling cat out of my daughter's room. He has defecated in her bed. I have time for a sixth load of laundry if I remove one of the leisure activities. Doing, doing, done.

Oh happy day !

The weather in Montreal today was absolutely perfect. 20 celsius, beautiful sun - a gorgeous fall day and nothing on my TO-Do list. Except all of the weekend chores and the summer-is-over-get-ready-for-fall stuff. So I put away my summer dresses and took out the wool, dark ones. I went grocery shopping and took Matis to the park and went to the beauty parlor and dropped off my dry cleaning. Then I picked up Morgen at Kelly's soccer game and got lost in Montreal construction traffic on the way home. Rita and I went for a run; I had not gone in a week and I struggled. I had to stop often to catch my breath - how quick endurance fades! But it was a gorgeous day to run through the woods, and with Rita moving away in less than two weeks, I find myself cherishing the girl talks and the last few occasions we have to pound the pavement together. How I will miss my running buddy! After the run, I invited Elliot over to play with Matis. Elliot's parents just had their third child, a little girl. You will remember that when his mom got pregnant for the third time, it had a weird emotional impact on me. It wasn't a rational envy, just an emotional one. And then the years pass and you have to let go of the ideas and grand plans and realize that this is it, there won't be any more. And so I spent the day enjoying and cherishing the kids I do have. Morgen and I baked maple scones and sinful chocolate chip cookies - I can smell them now through the entire house. Dinner is almost ready, Jean is playing Wii with Matis, and when I try real hard to stay in the moment, and not think about Monday, and not worry about next week, then there is peace. Jean brought me a Desperados - my favorite beer- It's French and it has tequila. I don't normally drink beer, but I like the sweet taste of this one. I find it endearing that he remembered I liked it and got me one - he came over on his bike - not the easiest way to transport beer! I thought it was so very thoughtful of him. But one small beer makes my head spin. A great thing that happened today is that I got the first printed copy of my book assembled and shipped to me. This is what they call the proof. It's the one copy they will make, and the one I need to check to ensure that the formatting is accurate and that the book is ready for mass production. I should receive it in seven days. If there are no changes to make, it will be ready for publication in early October. Oh Happy day! The picture I have attached to this blog is the one which will be on the back of the book cover. I am not sure I like it, but it doesn't look like me, and Anie thinks it looks good (she took it) - and so it's the one we picked. Time for some Oysters and dry white wine. If only time could stand still....

Mesmerizing Monday

Phew - the day is ending and it gets a B+. Yesterday got an F, so this is a a huge improvement. It's 10:11 pm. I have just had my first 5 minutes to myself all day. Rita texted an hour ago to see if I might be tempted for a 5am run. I think my body needs it. When I run, my mind shuts down. It feels good. So I need to go to bed so I can get up again in 6 hours and ride the hamster wheel another day But, before I turn out the lights, I am feeling the need to spend 10 minutes for me today. Just 10. Ten long and leisurely minutes of Val time. My first and only 10 of the day. I got to work at 7:30am. I worked non stop, straight through lunch. During a meeting this afternoon, a colleague told me she wouldn't trust one of the potential suppliers I was asking an RFP from to babysit her pink pet poodle. That made me laugh out loud, and I loved that I laughed at work. I had to leave at 17h30 to pick up Morgen from Triathlon practice. I love getting quality time with her alone in the car on the ride home. I love when she tells me about the crazy things that happened to her at school. Crazy talk! We arrived home at 6:30, had dinner, cleard the table, then I did homework with Matis - he is just learning how to read and we played a game whereby I put words together to make small sentences. I got creative and he loved the game. He laughed so hard a few times he was doubled over and had tears in his eyes. All because he could read : Ali ate cat. Cat ate bag. Silly sentences mommy creates. He asked if we could play all night. Instead of sleeping. "Maybe on the weekend", I answered. We then read a bed time story, and when he was sound asleep, I switched gears to help Morgen study for her Science exam. Eighty four questions about galaxies and supernovas and things like the big bang which I don't fully understand. We've been studying for three nights now. Tonight she broke down in tears and told me her life would be over if she failed this exam. It was 9:54pm, she had done four hours of sports, and she couldn't remember the answer to question eighteen. When I probed to figure out how exactly her life would end, she answered that if she failed the science exam, she would fail grade 9 science, which would lead her to fail grade 9, which would lead her to fail high school, and then she would not be able to get into a good college, and get her Doctorate degre, and then would be unable to feed her children. Hmm. I wonder where she gets that melodramatic tendency. Good night world.

Sunday Blues

I had about ten really good cries today. Around lunch time, for no apparent reason, tears just started streaming down my cheeks incessantly. I try always to be a super Pollyanna around my kids – “look at the glass half full!” I edge them on. “Be grateful for all that you have!” But I spent the day crying like a leaky faucet, set off by quite a number of random thoughts or events. This doesn’t happen to me often, but it surprises me when it does. I don’t really quite know what to make of it. I know something is very wrong, and yet I am unable to put my finger on what it is exactly. Matis patted me on the back and said: “Don’t worry, everything will be ok.” Words I have spoken to him many times paid forward to me. Don’t get me wrong. I have known for many months that I am not living my right life. I also know I need to make changes; yet I find myself in a difficult predicament. I am scared to jump, because I don't have a variety of parachutes. I keep telling myself to be grateful for all I have: healthy children, a roof over my head, a functioning body, a warm house, food on the table… not to mention that I am alive. That whatever needs to happen will happen. Serendipity. But I can't quite manage to convince myself. Today is 9/11. Like many, I remember exactly where I was on that fateful morning: a few miles from the Twin Towers, heading into New York City with my then boyfriend. We had tickets to Dave Letterman that evening, and were planning to explore NYC for five magical nights to celebrate our newfound love. Instead, we watched in horror from his mother’s house in Bedford New Jersey as the world as we knew it morphed into a very scary place. As dramatic as 9/11 2011 was, it also marked one of the most joyful days of my life eight years later as I reconnected with my soulmate on that very same day. I take from this that as grim as life may seem in one moment, oftentimes the moment passes and joy can be found again. It’s also my friend Tracy’s birthday, and the world is definitely a better place because she is in it. So I know that whatever dark mood has come over me today will eventually pass. But today for some reason it just felt that, despite of all the good fortune I have, happiness is a long time coming. This morning I went to a book signing. Kim is publishing her second novel. It’s exactly the same size as mine. 166 pages. It’s got a beautiful cardboard cover. When I saw it, I could visualize what mine will look like when I get it in my hands. Kim’s first novel was translated into 20 different languages. I know there are over 160,000 copies printed already. She started out her career as a lawyer, then a restaurant owner, translator, and more. She has finally found her voice. Her calling is to write. There was a 2 page spread in LaPresse about her and her thoughts of 9/11 this weekend. She was glowing as she autographed copy after copy of her new masterpiece. It’s sitting right beside me now. I am skipping my evening run to read it. I am basically skipping a lot of healthy things today so I can nurture myself. I am writing instead of working, I am reading instead of running, I am contemplating eating a few chocolate bars as well. Kim is one of many lawyer-turned-author I have encountered lately. Take Emily Giffin. I first read about her in a Southern magazine, during a business trip to Atlanta last year. She was lawyer, quit her firm, moved to England, wrote full time, was rejected by dozens of publishers, and now has three novels printed, and her first, “Something Borrowed”, was turned into a major motion picture starring Kate Hudson. Or how about Gretchen Rubin, the author whose book, “The Happiness Project” I devoured last weekend. Also a lawyer turned author. Turns out she wasn’t as passionate about the law as she was about writing. Last but not least, this thirty-something boy I was introduced to during the book signing today. Was a lawyer also, now writes full time. Same publisher as Kim. I am in awe of their success, but quite jealous as well. Everywhere I turn I read that we should follow our dreams. I have been dreaming of writing ever since my first joint-venture with Vanessa at age eleven – “Les Espitocrates – Oh, Quelle Aventure!” I LOVED writing that book with her. I enjoyed every second. Just as I enjoyed writing “Virtually Yours” during this last year. Taking time to put my words on paper felt like a salvation of sorts. That was a labor of love. Every correction made, every interaction with my girlfriends on how to fabricate the ending of something which never ended properly — this has brought immense joy. As much joy as getting Butterfly kisses from Matis, and hearing on parent/teacher night last week that he already knows how to read (I didn’t know — how frightening and wrong!). As much joy as being introduced to Morgen’s alter ego Shananay, and hearing the kids doubled over in laughter. Can I be a successful author too? Without going to law school first? If I actually follow all of the advice I read, I should just stop thinking about doing it and just do it. Ray Bradbury said it best: “Your intuition knows what it wants to write, so get out of the way.” And we all know that the only way to become a good writer is to… write. Being Val, the changes I am contemplating as of late are of course dramatic and drastic. Quit my job overnight. Move into the wild. Never love again. Rest assured, I have spent quite a lot of time trying to ensure that I have a backup plan before I take the leap, and it includes making lists of all of the competencies I know are mine: - I really enjoy helping people - I have high energy - I am results oriented and focused - I speak two languages fluently, and understand a third - I can type over 60 words a minute - I am a good leader – positive, impactful, able to drive change - I know how to use a computer - I am on my way to become a certified coach - Anything else? - Oh yes, I have worked in Human Resources for over 20 years, both in Canada and in the USA, and I wonder what transferable skills could come from that. Surely there is some work I can do where I have ample time to write, feel like I am a good mom, which is more fulfilling and more income generating than making sandwiches at Subway for the lunch crowd. But what is it that I am looking for? In a nutshell, time to write...to see if I do have talent it if it is my calling. And still feel like a good mom. Because I am not earning my living through writing today, I also need to work. I would like to work in an environment where I am contributing the best of me towards the greater good. A place where I am sought out for what I do well, and feel like I make a difference — for more than my ability to finish a distance triathlon — but rather for something that is related to what I am paid to do. And here’s the kicker — one of the reason I have hesitated to call my current job quits is because I am surrounded by really brilliant leaders. They amaze me every single day. I am in awe of who they are and how they think. I admire how they express themselves and what they think to do. I don’t want to leave that space, because it feels good to be a part of it. But every time I get into my car and drive home from work, after 12 hours of spinning myself dizzy with thoughts and ideas I can’t communicate, I feel like an impostor. But I am not even at work today. It’s Sunday. I am at home and I am worrying about work. I have a pretty good idea of what my idealized life looks like. I get paid to do what I love. And what I love to do is easy to do. There is growth, don’t get me wrong, there needs to be a feeling of growth at work to be fulfilled. The point is that I don’t spend countless hours a day worrying about how I am not contributing because I am not good enough. Oh, and another thing. It’s balanced. That means I don’t spend every waking minute when I am not at work worrying about work. I actually have time to make lunch for my kids, and pick them up from their respective after school programs, and play board games too. On a day like today, I think that if I could be paid to take care of my kids, to read, and to write, I would be the happiest woman on earth. In her book “Going Within”, Shirley MacLaine wrote: “if we feel the universe is a dangerous chaotic place, we feel threatened by everything it produces, including our fellow human beings; maybe that’s why our behavior is chaotic, threatened, and primitive. In other words, we behave in direct ratio to how we see the universe.” So I would like to jump, without a net, without a plan, and give up this gift that I received of making it to the very top of my profession, and take a risk, and see if the universe can be friendly. I want to see if my internal circumstances (my thoughts of being happy just spending time with my kids, reading and writing), create external circumstances (a life of felicity and contentment). I want to see if my plan can be not to have a plan, and if I can survive it. My friend Brenda was passionate about helping others. That’s the only thing she knew for sure. She quit the Corporate world and is now finishing her nursing degree. Her family adapted to the financial changes. She’s happy. Why can’t I leap too? People's basic psychological needs include the need to feel secure, to feel good at what they do, to be loved, to feel connected to others, and to have a strong sense of control. Right now I don’t feel secure, I don’t feel good at what I do. I do feel loved by some. I don’t feel as connected to others as I once did. And I certainly don’t feel a strong sense of control. No wonder. So that’s it for tonight. I skipped my run. I ate chocolate. I read instead of preparing lunches for tomorrow. And I wrote this blog, my first in a very long time. Don’t worry: I know it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and that it’s very confused. But here’s the truth. By writing, things will become clearer. And maybe if I am read, someone will dare to share a gold nugget of wisdom which will make me see things in a different way, and I will be a better person for it. Namaste.