Sunday Blues

I had about ten really good cries today. Around lunch time, for no apparent reason, tears just started streaming down my cheeks incessantly. I try always to be a super Pollyanna around my kids – “look at the glass half full!” I edge them on. “Be grateful for all that you have!” But I spent the day crying like a leaky faucet, set off by quite a number of random thoughts or events. This doesn’t happen to me often, but it surprises me when it does. I don’t really quite know what to make of it. I know something is very wrong, and yet I am unable to put my finger on what it is exactly. Matis patted me on the back and said: “Don’t worry, everything will be ok.” Words I have spoken to him many times paid forward to me. Don’t get me wrong. I have known for many months that I am not living my right life. I also know I need to make changes; yet I find myself in a difficult predicament. I am scared to jump, because I don't have a variety of parachutes. I keep telling myself to be grateful for all I have: healthy children, a roof over my head, a functioning body, a warm house, food on the table… not to mention that I am alive. That whatever needs to happen will happen. Serendipity. But I can't quite manage to convince myself. Today is 9/11. Like many, I remember exactly where I was on that fateful morning: a few miles from the Twin Towers, heading into New York City with my then boyfriend. We had tickets to Dave Letterman that evening, and were planning to explore NYC for five magical nights to celebrate our newfound love. Instead, we watched in horror from his mother’s house in Bedford New Jersey as the world as we knew it morphed into a very scary place. As dramatic as 9/11 2011 was, it also marked one of the most joyful days of my life eight years later as I reconnected with my soulmate on that very same day. I take from this that as grim as life may seem in one moment, oftentimes the moment passes and joy can be found again. It’s also my friend Tracy’s birthday, and the world is definitely a better place because she is in it. So I know that whatever dark mood has come over me today will eventually pass. But today for some reason it just felt that, despite of all the good fortune I have, happiness is a long time coming. This morning I went to a book signing. Kim is publishing her second novel. It’s exactly the same size as mine. 166 pages. It’s got a beautiful cardboard cover. When I saw it, I could visualize what mine will look like when I get it in my hands. Kim’s first novel was translated into 20 different languages. I know there are over 160,000 copies printed already. She started out her career as a lawyer, then a restaurant owner, translator, and more. She has finally found her voice. Her calling is to write. There was a 2 page spread in LaPresse about her and her thoughts of 9/11 this weekend. She was glowing as she autographed copy after copy of her new masterpiece. It’s sitting right beside me now. I am skipping my evening run to read it. I am basically skipping a lot of healthy things today so I can nurture myself. I am writing instead of working, I am reading instead of running, I am contemplating eating a few chocolate bars as well. Kim is one of many lawyer-turned-author I have encountered lately. Take Emily Giffin. I first read about her in a Southern magazine, during a business trip to Atlanta last year. She was lawyer, quit her firm, moved to England, wrote full time, was rejected by dozens of publishers, and now has three novels printed, and her first, “Something Borrowed”, was turned into a major motion picture starring Kate Hudson. Or how about Gretchen Rubin, the author whose book, “The Happiness Project” I devoured last weekend. Also a lawyer turned author. Turns out she wasn’t as passionate about the law as she was about writing. Last but not least, this thirty-something boy I was introduced to during the book signing today. Was a lawyer also, now writes full time. Same publisher as Kim. I am in awe of their success, but quite jealous as well. Everywhere I turn I read that we should follow our dreams. I have been dreaming of writing ever since my first joint-venture with Vanessa at age eleven – “Les Espitocrates – Oh, Quelle Aventure!” I LOVED writing that book with her. I enjoyed every second. Just as I enjoyed writing “Virtually Yours” during this last year. Taking time to put my words on paper felt like a salvation of sorts. That was a labor of love. Every correction made, every interaction with my girlfriends on how to fabricate the ending of something which never ended properly — this has brought immense joy. As much joy as getting Butterfly kisses from Matis, and hearing on parent/teacher night last week that he already knows how to read (I didn’t know — how frightening and wrong!). As much joy as being introduced to Morgen’s alter ego Shananay, and hearing the kids doubled over in laughter. Can I be a successful author too? Without going to law school first? If I actually follow all of the advice I read, I should just stop thinking about doing it and just do it. Ray Bradbury said it best: “Your intuition knows what it wants to write, so get out of the way.” And we all know that the only way to become a good writer is to… write. Being Val, the changes I am contemplating as of late are of course dramatic and drastic. Quit my job overnight. Move into the wild. Never love again. Rest assured, I have spent quite a lot of time trying to ensure that I have a backup plan before I take the leap, and it includes making lists of all of the competencies I know are mine: - I really enjoy helping people - I have high energy - I am results oriented and focused - I speak two languages fluently, and understand a third - I can type over 60 words a minute - I am a good leader – positive, impactful, able to drive change - I know how to use a computer - I am on my way to become a certified coach - Anything else? - Oh yes, I have worked in Human Resources for over 20 years, both in Canada and in the USA, and I wonder what transferable skills could come from that. Surely there is some work I can do where I have ample time to write, feel like I am a good mom, which is more fulfilling and more income generating than making sandwiches at Subway for the lunch crowd. But what is it that I am looking for? In a nutshell, time to write...to see if I do have talent it if it is my calling. And still feel like a good mom. Because I am not earning my living through writing today, I also need to work. I would like to work in an environment where I am contributing the best of me towards the greater good. A place where I am sought out for what I do well, and feel like I make a difference — for more than my ability to finish a distance triathlon — but rather for something that is related to what I am paid to do. And here’s the kicker — one of the reason I have hesitated to call my current job quits is because I am surrounded by really brilliant leaders. They amaze me every single day. I am in awe of who they are and how they think. I admire how they express themselves and what they think to do. I don’t want to leave that space, because it feels good to be a part of it. But every time I get into my car and drive home from work, after 12 hours of spinning myself dizzy with thoughts and ideas I can’t communicate, I feel like an impostor. But I am not even at work today. It’s Sunday. I am at home and I am worrying about work. I have a pretty good idea of what my idealized life looks like. I get paid to do what I love. And what I love to do is easy to do. There is growth, don’t get me wrong, there needs to be a feeling of growth at work to be fulfilled. The point is that I don’t spend countless hours a day worrying about how I am not contributing because I am not good enough. Oh, and another thing. It’s balanced. That means I don’t spend every waking minute when I am not at work worrying about work. I actually have time to make lunch for my kids, and pick them up from their respective after school programs, and play board games too. On a day like today, I think that if I could be paid to take care of my kids, to read, and to write, I would be the happiest woman on earth. In her book “Going Within”, Shirley MacLaine wrote: “if we feel the universe is a dangerous chaotic place, we feel threatened by everything it produces, including our fellow human beings; maybe that’s why our behavior is chaotic, threatened, and primitive. In other words, we behave in direct ratio to how we see the universe.” So I would like to jump, without a net, without a plan, and give up this gift that I received of making it to the very top of my profession, and take a risk, and see if the universe can be friendly. I want to see if my internal circumstances (my thoughts of being happy just spending time with my kids, reading and writing), create external circumstances (a life of felicity and contentment). I want to see if my plan can be not to have a plan, and if I can survive it. My friend Brenda was passionate about helping others. That’s the only thing she knew for sure. She quit the Corporate world and is now finishing her nursing degree. Her family adapted to the financial changes. She’s happy. Why can’t I leap too? People's basic psychological needs include the need to feel secure, to feel good at what they do, to be loved, to feel connected to others, and to have a strong sense of control. Right now I don’t feel secure, I don’t feel good at what I do. I do feel loved by some. I don’t feel as connected to others as I once did. And I certainly don’t feel a strong sense of control. No wonder. So that’s it for tonight. I skipped my run. I ate chocolate. I read instead of preparing lunches for tomorrow. And I wrote this blog, my first in a very long time. Don’t worry: I know it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and that it’s very confused. But here’s the truth. By writing, things will become clearer. And maybe if I am read, someone will dare to share a gold nugget of wisdom which will make me see things in a different way, and I will be a better person for it. Namaste.