Ironman - 45 days

I ran the Ottawa Marathon on May 31st, went to Paris on June 1st, and then started training at our beautiful Ranch in Lake Placid on June 4th. On June 12th, I went for my first long bike ride...It was gruelling. Insane hard.

I left the house at 11am. I did one loop in 3 hours, and as I started loop 2, I got a flat tire. I was drained, wet, cold. I waited 50 minutes for some help. I finally got some, and got a ride to the bike shop to buy more supplies. I wasted an hour and took off again.
I biked alone - and had way too much time to think. At times, when my body was fine, my mind would get discouraged. When my mind was ok, my body would start to ache. I was on the road until 7pm. I got two more flat tires after the first one - all on the back tire, which is a bitch to remove.
The second flat was the hardest - I tried to repair it on my own, and struggled. A good samaritan biked by 30 minutes later and helped. By this point i was discouraged, I stilll had half of the second loop to go, and its the toughest part. The third flat tire on the back wheel made me cry. I stopped on the side of the road, gave up, and waited. A girl named Lynn biked by about 40 minutes later. We tried to fix it together, and as we did, noticed that there was a huge staple in the tire which was causing the flats. I took it out, and got we managed to fix the bike. It took a long time though.. But just running into her made me happier - I stopped feeling alone and my good mood came back.
I still had 17 miles to go - The total for the day was 150kms. About 5 miles from home, I see three bulky men by the side of the road near a truck. I was so exhausted by that point that I thought to myself that if they tried to attack me, i had not an ounce of energy to fight back. But no, it was my three roommates, coming to see if I was ok.... I ended up taking them up on their offer for a ride back, and stopped my bike day at 138kms - short of my goal. I wanted to finish, but it was already 7pm and I had been gone now for more than 8 hours. I felt guilty for being away from the kids, and guilty for being late. The guys really congratulated me on my attitude, they said I looked really good out there. I got back to the ranch feeling ok, despite not finishing.

So that`s it - my day in a nutshell - A hard day physically on the bike, and mentally as well - which continued even after the bike.
I played catch with Morgen outside after dinner for a bit, and now everyone in the house has gone to bed - I will too.
I am sad though, I really don`t think I have the mental stamina to do an IM just yet.

Ironman-25 days

Tommorrow is Canada day - and it starts with a 4km swim at 6am. Walk in the park now... if only my spirit felt aligned with my body. In the last 75 days, I have followed about half of the required training program. I ran the Ottawa Marathon about a month ago - I didn't push myself too hard and finished in a respectable 4:18. I did a half ironman last weekend - I took it as a long workout, and finished in my fastest half ironman time ever of 6:22 (truth be told it was only my second, and the one last year was only 25 minutes slower...). I didn't enjoy the half ironman at all. I was disoriented in the water, went in the wrong direction.. The bike went ok, but felt very long. By the time I got to the run, which started with nothing but big hills, I felt like giving up. I kept going, but i don't know what kept me going. I finished and was glad to see my girl and boy with their daddy at the finish line... but I felt empty. The medal was crap. And I have lost the Ottawa medal, which was nice... I think I need some psychological support to get me primed for the big day, because nothing makes sense anymore. I have been training for this event for almost 2 years. I know I am not ready; at least not as ready as my ranch roommates in Lake Placid who plan their work free days around training... When I finished the half, I wondered if I would be able to make the bike cut off on the full. I still don't know if it will be possible.

I need some sort of inspiration to keep me going.

I feel guilty all the time - I can't focus at work, I don't feel like I am being a good parent, and to Laurent - I feel like the demands I have made to have time to train have been exagerated. My Tute is gone too... fighting the biggest fight of his life, and its a losing battle. The energy I got from there is no longer. And work is difficult - I am not focused, there is too much going on.

Laurent says to just laugh - this too shall pass. That we are all shooting stars in the Universe, here for just a moment, and that none of this really matters - But then nothing really matters at all. All I want now, is the secret to the magic potion - what will keep me going on race day? I feel completely lost.