Ironman-25 days

Tommorrow is Canada day - and it starts with a 4km swim at 6am. Walk in the park now... if only my spirit felt aligned with my body. In the last 75 days, I have followed about half of the required training program. I ran the Ottawa Marathon about a month ago - I didn't push myself too hard and finished in a respectable 4:18. I did a half ironman last weekend - I took it as a long workout, and finished in my fastest half ironman time ever of 6:22 (truth be told it was only my second, and the one last year was only 25 minutes slower...). I didn't enjoy the half ironman at all. I was disoriented in the water, went in the wrong direction.. The bike went ok, but felt very long. By the time I got to the run, which started with nothing but big hills, I felt like giving up. I kept going, but i don't know what kept me going. I finished and was glad to see my girl and boy with their daddy at the finish line... but I felt empty. The medal was crap. And I have lost the Ottawa medal, which was nice... I think I need some psychological support to get me primed for the big day, because nothing makes sense anymore. I have been training for this event for almost 2 years. I know I am not ready; at least not as ready as my ranch roommates in Lake Placid who plan their work free days around training... When I finished the half, I wondered if I would be able to make the bike cut off on the full. I still don't know if it will be possible.

I need some sort of inspiration to keep me going.

I feel guilty all the time - I can't focus at work, I don't feel like I am being a good parent, and to Laurent - I feel like the demands I have made to have time to train have been exagerated. My Tute is gone too... fighting the biggest fight of his life, and its a losing battle. The energy I got from there is no longer. And work is difficult - I am not focused, there is too much going on.

Laurent says to just laugh - this too shall pass. That we are all shooting stars in the Universe, here for just a moment, and that none of this really matters - But then nothing really matters at all. All I want now, is the secret to the magic potion - what will keep me going on race day? I feel completely lost.