Nature vs. Nurture

I capitulated. Succumbed to the easy lure of pharmaceutical relief. I had an overwhelming need to silence my brain for a few moments... to stop it from churning and rehashing and overthinking and analyzing and judging, and fearing the worst. So I went to get some help. Yet, instead of feeling relieved with my choice, I feel like I have failed. I know I only have to answer to myself, but still.... I am choosing to expose myself and I am writing about it so that perhaps I reach other people who have the same challenges as I do. Maybe so I can feel less alone. Maybe to feel more connected to humanity. Most likely to understand, to get some meaning from this experience. I had tried the natural options to get rid of my anxiety - the big five mentioned in all of the literature: 1) Get enough sleep 2) Eat well 3) Exercise 4) Avoid continuous stress 5) Expose yourself to natural light. I do all of those things, and yet the dark, scary thoughts crowd my brain without respite. I imagine the worse. I fear the best. I wonder what shoe will drop next, when, and how many toes will break. I know ATTITUDE is everything. Einstein wrote: "The single most important decision any of us will ever have to make is whether or not to believe that the universe is friendly." I am trying so hard, Einstein. If you only knew. I keep my chin up and a smile on my face, but deep down, I feel afraid, and sad, and I have no hope. Why? There are two schools of thoughts about why this could be. It goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate we all explored through our high school curriculum. Some say it's a chemical thing. My brain just doesn't produce as much serotonin as other peoples. Genetics. Nature. There are a number of people in my biological family (father's side) who suffer from mental illness. Perhaps the simple explanation is that I am just like them. But I think the negative thoughts are innate in everyone. They have been in our genetic makeup since humans appeared - the fight or flight mecanisms were alive and well when we had to hunt for food and find warm shelter and they are still alive today; it's just that the goals have changed. Or maybe it's nurture. Did I make the wrong choices? Am I living the wrong life for me? If I changed everything, would I be happier? I have been trying to make changes the nurture side of the equation for a few months, and the truth is, I am not feeling significantly better. So I have decided to try and impact my chemical composition. Take a stab at the nature side of the equation. Again. The doctor asked me: "If you were diabetic, would you hesitate to take insulin? If you had heart problems, wouldn't you take medication to treat your condition? What's different here? Why do you have such hesitation? Maybe you are the type of person who will need to be on a low dosage of this stuff for life." Ugh. If it's true that one out of five people are now medicated, what did we do before the pharmaceutical companies invented these pills? Were people mentally well before? Or just went sick and untreated? Could it be that the problem is not in our heads, but rather with the way our society is evolving? That we are spending too much time on materialistic, non emotionally fulfilling pursuits rather than focusing on what's truly important in life - the connections we make with other people? I really don't know. But one thing is for sure: as long as I am here, I will keep trying to search for answers. For now, my "crutches" provide the ability to balance, to step back, to think with a clear, unafraid, mind veiled from negative thoughts. And when you can't quiet your mind on your own, then maybe it's ok to rely on some help. Maybe.

Risk taking

Oftentimes the perception other people have of us is so very unlikehow we perceive ourselves. Take for example the reaction I got this week when I emailed my contacts the let them know I had self-published. “You never cease to amaze me!” or better still: “Yet another accomplishment under your belt!” or simply: “Unbelievable!” Little do contacts know. If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I’ve been tippy toeing on a dangerous ledge for many moons. Paralyzed. I started to feel better this week. Truth is, I had pushed myself too far. Depleted my energy, and even the reserves. Burned myself out. To a crisp. But in the last seven days, I slept a lot. I took time off. I exercised moderately. I remembered to breathe long, deep, breaths. I expressed my feelings. I made mistakes, acknowledged them, and moved on. I performed a few random acts of kindness. But most importantly, I stopped doing long enough to ask myself where I was going. If you are lucky, life is supposed be a marathon. Not a sprint. If our thoughts are really at the origin of everything, and if our thoughts plant the seeds from which actions are born, than might as well give ourselves the chance to think constructively. For months now, I have put all of my thoughts into imagining my eventual demise as a human being should my career come to a screeching halt. And because I like to be right, I found countless examples to prove to myself that I would be doomed if I lost my job. But the truth is, as many examples exist to prove the contrary. We see what we want to see. Case in point: I ran into a friend at the park who had been a stay-at-home mom for a few years. She was looking forward to working again! She was ready, and hadn’t lost it all from staying home for a while. I had a frank conversation with a colleague who lost his teenage son in a tragic accident last year. He is brilliant, quite accomplished, and a high performer. He looked me straight in the eye and said: “At the end of the day, it’s just work Val, its just work.” I heard from a high school friend who hadn’t worked in seven years and had been home schooling his two daughters. He was happy, healthy, and no one was starving. Where am I going with this? Oh yes, the book. The truth is, I want to write. Period. Once upon a time I read an idea that claimed that successful people where successful because they take more risks and they fail more often. They learn from their mistakes, build on the knowledge, and try again. This idea resonated with me. That’s why I chose to self-publish. Not because I am “accomplished” or “unbelievable”. But rather because I choose to try, and maybe fail, or maybe not. At least I won’t live with regrets. Twenty people bought the book in the first 48 hours. Mostly family. But it’s a start! I hope there will be more. It isn’t a work of art. Every time I open it I want to change every sentence. But it’s my humble attempt at trying to live my best life. I hope it works. Here is the link to view and purchase the book. http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/virtually-yours/17977390?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/1 Should you prefer e-book - here is the link: http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/virtually-yours/17353557

Decision Time

I am a day late. It's not the same time next week, as the title of my blog suggests. I pride myself on being consistent, but I wasn't this time, It's because it's decision time. There are two options: left, or right. Turn left, and jump into the void. Hope for the best. Decide on the attitude to adopt, keep it top of mind, and just jump. Turn right and stay in the familiar. With its lot of challenges, and opportunities to make mistakes. Never life threatening mistakes, but mistakes nevertheless. Turn right and deal with negativity, anger, discontent, personalities, – execute other people's decisions even if I disagree. Left feels risky in the current economic context; despite all of the safeguards put in place. Left feels like an unplanned change, with the risk of upsetting people who are trying to help. Right feels like a jail sentence – unless I am able to change the way I look at it. A long time ago, on the PBS kids channel, there was an add which portrayed blindfolded children reaching into a bowl of spaghetti and blurting out what they were touching. Worms! Snakes! Brains! Came the answers. And then the caption : "It's all how you look at it." So what matters most, is not whether I turn left or right, but what attitude I choose to adopt when I make the decision. And so perhaps going back to my values is the best way to make the decision. What are my values? 1) Connecting (Heart) - I need to create harmony. To have nurturing, enriching, and sustainable relationships. I need to connect with others through sharing powerful and enriching experiences. I need to love deeply, laugh, and feel joy, 2) Doing (Energy) - I am enthusiastic, positive, healthy, bubbly, hopeful, intense and I accomplish a great deal with a high level of energy. 3) Authenticity (Truth) - I am transparent, have good intentions, and can't lie 4) Justice (Fairness) - I don't tolerate unjust situations. Integrity is paramount 5) Recognition - I need to feel valued, appreciated, cared for, loved, and cherished 6) Learning - I need to learn from every experience - both in and out of my comfort zone So....left or right? Maybe a compromise is possible. For a short time. Until I am certain of what the right course of action should be. Until my brain is thinking clearly again with the right chemicals feeding the neurons and synapses who should connect to make the best decisions. It's a chicken shit decision - I am well aware of this....but it seems like the right one to explore today. Until next week....

When you are willing to lose it all...

When you have reached your limit, I mean really really reached the bottom of the pit, and you are so far down that you can't even see any light anywhere, that's when you get the ability to make life changing decisions. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", or so the saying goes. Einstein once defined insanity as: "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So here I was, at the bottom of the pit of despair - feeling insane, for no apparent reason to the outside world, but for many good reasons inside my head. I could hold it together during the week just fine; my rational brain simply kicked in and I went to work and did what needed to get done for 12 hours or more. But then the weekend rolled around and tears streamed down my face for two straight solid days. During family meals, my kids would just stare at me, wondering why I was crying, yet looking so calm. "Don't worry", I told them, "it's probably a defective eye gland. I will get it fixed next week." I couldn't explain what was wrong and why it was wrong. I just cried until Morgen asked for rain boots. And then, after I cried every tear I had, I told myself things had to change. I didn't know what specifically, but based on my emotional state, I knew it had to be the big things. So I started with work, where I spend most of my waking hours, and what causes me the most sleepless nights as well. Work for me is sometimes a way to self-actualize, but mostly a conduit to express my responsible nature and one potential source of recognition. But rarely is that the case as a Vice President. Work is also what allows me to put food on the table and send my children to decent schools so that they may have a glowing future. But when Morgen blurts out comments like: "What's the point of it all? You are born, and then you die. What's the point of all the stuff in the middle?", I hope it's just teenager talk, and I wonder if my money wouldn't be better spent buying her a course about how to find joy in life. Or maybe the answer is even simpler: I need to start being a better example of Joy myself. Hard to do it my current state. Back to the work issue. As soon as I made the decision to quit my job, swallowed my pride, and told the world I really needed help, angels started coming to the rescue. They started to make me believe again in the concept of Paying it Forward. Are you familiar with it? It's an expression used to describe the concept of asking that a good turn be repaid by having it done to others instead. In sociology, this concept is called "generalized reciprocity" or "generalized exchange". I call it Karma. When you do good, it eventually comes back to you through various sources, and oftentimes not the sources you would expect. First, I was able to express my emotional state to MCD and JB, who took me seriously and got me help immediately. Then my friend CG and I went on an overnight trip. It reminded me of our youth at camp, and reminded me of what was most important in life. I got to talk it through with MCL, my coach and mentor. Her kindness and empathy made me cry some more. My mom and my siblings offered much needed emotional support through conversations, which helped reduce the fear of the unknown. Then LG told me he would do what it takes, for as long as it takes, to take the money fear off the table for me. And finally I went in to see my boss, and he helped me find a better solution than the one I was considering - one with more balance, both for me, and for the Company. It's a short term fix for now, but it's worth exploring. The knight in shining armor I was expecting never showed up, but dozens of different angels disguised as mere mortals, showed kindness and empathy. So here I am, still, on an Indian summer Saturday morning, drinking a wonderful coffee in a peaceful home, surrounded by people who love me. I feel more calm and serene than I have in months. I still have many big changes to make - and I will tackle them one at a time. "What did this experience teach you?", my mentor MCL asked, after the storm had passed. "It taught me that when I finally got the courage to ask for help, the people around me jumped at the chance. It taught me that the world can be a safe and friendly place. All I have to do is believe it is. When you change the lenses through which you see the world, then the world changes".

Anatomy of a mental breakdown

It's Saturday morning and I have spent the last few hours cleaning out my work inbox. To be concrete, this means re-reading and filing over 500 emails to ensure I can find them again if necessary some day. During this process, our affection-starved cat kept trying to climb onto the keyboard (I never wanted a cat, I would have preferred a dog - I have time for neither). I felt sorry for him, and guilty as well, but after 7 minutes of purring and climbing, I ended up locking him in my daughter's room so I could process faster and be more efficient. I also paid bills online, cleaned the kitchen, created grocery list, drank two cups of coffee and wondered what I could do for fun; it is the weekend after all. I did all this during the in-between times, the moments where I lost the internet connection for some unknown reason, and prayed silently that it would magically return without me having to attempt to plug and replug wires with no actual clue as to what to do to fix the problem. I prayed to the Gods of electronic to help me out one more time, telling them that I would never again complain about technology if they came through. In order to get all of this done efficiently, I plugged my son in front of the TV for a few hours, feeling guilty every second. Saturday stretches out before me, a blank electronic calendar page with 30 minute time slots to fill. I start by entering the Must-Do's in the calendar, estimating how much time each will take : buy groceries for the week, process 5 loads of laundry, pick up teenage daughter from sleepover 45 miles away, drive seven-year old son to swimming lessons, drive teenage daughter to swimming lessons, drive son to soccer practice, prepare training session for Monday, purchase socks for both children, call TV repairman, answer 35 outstanding emails from yesterday. I also add fun things to the list for balance: catch up on Facebook posts, workout, read book, practice guitar before next class. These last four activities are supposed to be relaxing - they are color coded "Leisure" in the calendar. Yet they feel like obligations; like tasks to cross off the TO DO list. And I know that even if I get through this entire list, there will be more tasks to add for tomorrow. Unforeseen things, unplanned things, things I don't have time for. It dawns on me that I no longer derive any pleasure from getting through the list. The phone rings. It's a very good friend I haven't talked to in months, who simply wants to catch up. I get annoyed - talking to her will get me off schedule. Quick, quick, I try to get off the phone - there is laundry to fold - but wait! Maybe I can maximize and do two things at once; talk to her and fold! My sons boxers will end up in my daughter's closet if I am unfocused, but who cares? That's not a crime, is it? The girlfriend tells me I sound rushed, and that I seem to have lost my sense of humor. "What's wrong?", she asks. I want to tell her that if I keep going at this pace, the next time she will see me will be in a coffin at a funeral home. But I don't. I shut up. Who am I to complain? It's a rat race afterall, and I am one of the fortunate ones. One of the lucky employed people who have a career, and bring home the bacon, and make enough money to feed her children healthy food day after day. The cold canadian winter will soon be upon us, but my kids will be warm in a heated home because I go to work every day, and get through the evergrowing to do list. "When's the last time you went on vacation?", my friend asks. Vaca what? I ignore the question and ask her what's new in her life. She's in love. She's on cloud nine. It has transformed her whole outlook on life. I remember that feeling - the feeling of being the most important person in someone else's eyes. Having the possibility to share your fears and frustrations and hopes and dreams with a person who thinks they matter. Who thinks you matter. Feeling the same in return. Making plans....and most importantly, giving you the ability of putting the ever growing TODO list in perspective. Would that change everything? For the moment, the ever growing TODO list keeps growing. If I get through it today, I will give myself a Gold Star. And maybe tomorrow I will have the courage to simply stop. Before it's too late. I can feel it, it's almost too late for me - I didn't stop in time. I can feel it in my bones, in my entire being. I need help. I need to no longer be a Type -A. Maybe if I write it down, if I admit it, I will find the courage to shut off the blackberry permanently. Not answer any more emails. Let my kids make their own meals. Ask for help. Stop trying to do more. Crawl under my covers and sleep for 15 consecutive days until I am rested enough to see the world through a different lense. Hope that there are still good things coming my way. Explore the world through a different set of eyes - figure out what I really enjoy doing. Believe that if I just let go, the Universe will provide a safety net. It's going to take a major leap of faith. The internet connection just came back. The Gods of the Electronic came through. I get to keep going, keep doing, doing, doing. I let the miauling cat out of my daughter's room. He has defecated in her bed. I have time for a sixth load of laundry if I remove one of the leisure activities. Doing, doing, done.