Ironman - 2 days

Possibilities. They are what drive me. I have just realized this, now, at 5h20am on Friday morning as the sun slowly rises on my little corner of Nun's island, casting a beautiful pink light all around. I get up every morning because of possibilities. The possibility that today I will surpass myself. The possibility that I will learn something new. The possibility that I will some day again feel the energy and light of Paris. The possibility of new friendships. Of feeling loved. Of falling in love. The possibility that my kids will surprise me. The possibility of tenderness, affection, kindness and generosity. The possibility of feeling hope and excitement about the future.
At this exact time in 48 hours, I will be getting ready for the mental and physical challenge of a lifetime. For now I have a slight headache, I am gaging how my body feels every 5 minutes, and it doesn't feel really good at all. I am hoping its psychological. I want to feel great for the IM. My biorythm doesn't indicate that it will be the case (16%+ on the physical), but who cares. Its one day. One chance to give it all I have - and to try and make the last 6 months have some meaning in the grander scheme of things.
I have not figured out how I will run yet. But Renata will come and figure it out with me. And there she creates the possibility of bonding through a shared experience.
I have been surprised by many comments in the last few days. My masseur, Simon, who knows all about how extreme I am, has said that I go from being completely selfless to very self centered. I told him I was looking forward to becoming selfless again, once this goal had been achieved. I also told him I don't think I will ever be about balance. The possibility of feeling vibrant and alive in every cell of my body, even if it means sometimes feeling absolutely destroyed, makes the journey worthwhile for me - I admitted that I was scared that this was it - that there would not be any more big highs after this. His spontaneous belly laugh infirmed that the statement was idiotic: You are a magnet, he told me. You attract people, situations, experiences and opportunity.

Without that possibility, I feel like I simply go through the motions. He is right.

And to quote D. Hart: When a door closes, a window opens.

I know I will hurt on Sunday. I also know I will cross the finish line. Because doing that will create the possibility of turning the page and looking forward to the next window opening.

My boss wrote me the following: Whatever the outcome this weekend, I am thoroughly impressed by your preparation and taking this on generally.Undoubtedly you have faced lots of challenges along the way. It's your unwillingness to let excuses get in the way of you doing the things you want that amazes me. Again, whatever the outcome this weekend you will have done the incredible.


I will remember these words with gratitude as I ride my bike for 8 hours. He is right; I don't do excuses.

I have not worked out this week, save a swim on Tuesday morning. I wanted fill my batteries as much as possible. I have found that sleep has been difficult - and hence I don't feel well rested. I have eaten well though - no cravings for junk, just healthy foods and snacks. Works has been mad with activity - and its taken my mind off other more difficult emotions and situations on the personal front. But now its time to shut off my blackberry and turn off my iphone, to stop expecting encouragement that will not come, and be grateful for that which has.

I had many positive moments this week:

Two nights in a row, Anie spent hours talking my emotions through with me. Creating movies and possibilities, trying to make me look at things through a different light. It made me realize that the connection we had at 5, 13, 18, 22.... is still alive and kicking. We are connected forever, this I know for sure.

Laurent is trying the very best that he can to be supportive and helpful. We don't often agree on what that should look like, however I know his intentions are pure and I am grateful.

Morgen is back from Mino and still a really sweet and wholesome kid. I picked her up yesterday morning bright and early, and I cried as I walked through the woods and headed toward the Tournesols - its mindblowing how that place shaped me. Some of the most precious memories of my life were created there - they defined the woman I became and the values that I hold dear. Her experience was quite different than mine. Not as emotional. Then again, she is a very different person. I realized that my love of writing, of documenting everything, started at Mino. I realized that it is a truly magical place, filled with possibilities. And even if I am grown, whenever I walk there, I still feel the magic everywhere.

Matis missed me terribly this week. Hugging his tiny body is what brings me the most energy. He slept in my bed last night, and respected the rule not to try and touch biz in the night (the mole in my neck he views as his lifeline). He is my sunshine.

Some of my colleagues at work asked what was driving me to do this, and I think were insired by the answer. Its a very nice feeling to know that my actions can inspire others.

I have felt the positive energy of my girlfriends, even though I have invested less time and love that I would like in those friendships during the last six months. Chiquita, Yogi, MC, Gege, Nini, MJ, Vanou, Renata - Thank you.

That's the yang. And there is also the ying:

This week, a number of events reinforced my belief that the people you need the most often abandon you when you need them the most. The important men in my life, especially, have mastered this difficult skill. My dad when I was three, my stepfather who was not a stepfather, most boyfriends thereafter, and most recently CHR who is going through a horrible hell, and has no energy to keep his promise of friendship. I had a strong hope that my relationship with him would turn the tide - I felt open to believing that my mitote could change, and that I could create a different reality if I believed one was possible. Time will no doubt bring wisdom and learning from this experience. For now, the energy I invested in building this friendship has left me absolutely empty and drained.

What is important now is this: I forgive all of you. I forgive myself too for how I handled those relationships, and I am grateful for what they have thought me.

So, back to the IronMan, which is what this blog is about afterall.... Do I feel ready? No, I certainly did not train enough. Did I do the very best that I could? Absolutely. As a working mom, with a very full life, I invested as much as I could in training as often as I could. It changed my body. It changed my outlook on life. It helped shape me. Will I do my best? Certainly. Will I cross the finish line in under 17 hours? That remains to be seen. The fact is however, that I am already a winner. And although I have no idea what they are today, I am very excited about the next possibilities.