Nature vs. Nurture

I capitulated. Succumbed to the easy lure of pharmaceutical relief. I had an overwhelming need to silence my brain for a few moments... to stop it from churning and rehashing and overthinking and analyzing and judging, and fearing the worst. So I went to get some help. Yet, instead of feeling relieved with my choice, I feel like I have failed. I know I only have to answer to myself, but still.... I am choosing to expose myself and I am writing about it so that perhaps I reach other people who have the same challenges as I do. Maybe so I can feel less alone. Maybe to feel more connected to humanity. Most likely to understand, to get some meaning from this experience. I had tried the natural options to get rid of my anxiety - the big five mentioned in all of the literature: 1) Get enough sleep 2) Eat well 3) Exercise 4) Avoid continuous stress 5) Expose yourself to natural light. I do all of those things, and yet the dark, scary thoughts crowd my brain without respite. I imagine the worse. I fear the best. I wonder what shoe will drop next, when, and how many toes will break. I know ATTITUDE is everything. Einstein wrote: "The single most important decision any of us will ever have to make is whether or not to believe that the universe is friendly." I am trying so hard, Einstein. If you only knew. I keep my chin up and a smile on my face, but deep down, I feel afraid, and sad, and I have no hope. Why? There are two schools of thoughts about why this could be. It goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate we all explored through our high school curriculum. Some say it's a chemical thing. My brain just doesn't produce as much serotonin as other peoples. Genetics. Nature. There are a number of people in my biological family (father's side) who suffer from mental illness. Perhaps the simple explanation is that I am just like them. But I think the negative thoughts are innate in everyone. They have been in our genetic makeup since humans appeared - the fight or flight mecanisms were alive and well when we had to hunt for food and find warm shelter and they are still alive today; it's just that the goals have changed. Or maybe it's nurture. Did I make the wrong choices? Am I living the wrong life for me? If I changed everything, would I be happier? I have been trying to make changes the nurture side of the equation for a few months, and the truth is, I am not feeling significantly better. So I have decided to try and impact my chemical composition. Take a stab at the nature side of the equation. Again. The doctor asked me: "If you were diabetic, would you hesitate to take insulin? If you had heart problems, wouldn't you take medication to treat your condition? What's different here? Why do you have such hesitation? Maybe you are the type of person who will need to be on a low dosage of this stuff for life." Ugh. If it's true that one out of five people are now medicated, what did we do before the pharmaceutical companies invented these pills? Were people mentally well before? Or just went sick and untreated? Could it be that the problem is not in our heads, but rather with the way our society is evolving? That we are spending too much time on materialistic, non emotionally fulfilling pursuits rather than focusing on what's truly important in life - the connections we make with other people? I really don't know. But one thing is for sure: as long as I am here, I will keep trying to search for answers. For now, my "crutches" provide the ability to balance, to step back, to think with a clear, unafraid, mind veiled from negative thoughts. And when you can't quiet your mind on your own, then maybe it's ok to rely on some help. Maybe.